Chapter 1

The Crash Landing

Our adventure begins with astronauts George Taylor (the head of the space expedition), Dodge (the brains), Stewart (the only girl of the crew, part astronaut, part model), and Landon (who has no special abilities in the group). Taylor is staring out the window, gazing upon the cheap space effects that fly by him. Everyone is sleeping, except Landon, who is making himself a PB&J sandwich.

Taylor: Within the hour we shall complete the sixth month of our flight from Cape Kennedy. By our time, that is...

Landon: Taylor! We’re out of peanut butter!

Taylor: No we’re not. Check the galley.

Landon: Ok!

Taylor (in a whisper): Moron.

Taylor: Now where was I? Oh yes…. But according to Dr. Hasslein theory of time in a vehicle traveling at close to the speed of light, old Mother Earth has aged a few thousand years since our departure -- while we have scarcely aged at all. It may be so. This much is probable: the men who sent us on this journey have long since been moldering in forgotten graves; and those, if any, who read this message, are a different breed. Hopefully, a better one. I leave the twentieth century without….

Landon: Taylor! I can’t find the peanut butter! How will I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without peanut butter!?



Taylor: I can think of a few ways….



Landon: Help me find it!



Taylor: Look, I am making a speech to nothing but a wall right now and it’s kind of important…. A man will lose sanity if he doesn’t at least PRETEND to talk to somebody sane!



Landon: I’m sane!



Taylor (in a whisper): Yeah… sure….



Landon: Help me find the peanut butter!



Taylor: The world would just DIE without your flip’ in peanut butter!



Landon: Please Taylor? Pretty please, with sugar on top?



Taylor: I’m diabetic! And no!



Landon: Fine! Then I’m not your friend anymore!



Taylor: Whatever….



(Landon storms away from Taylor’s presence and starts writing a note. Taylor rolls his eyes and there is a moment’s pause. The ship seems oddly quiet.)



Taylor: That goof just get’s on my every nerves. Anyways…. I leave the twentieth century without regret. Who was it? Marshall? ... said 'Modern man is the missin 'a link between the ape and…



(Taylor’s speech was once again interrupted, but this time by Landon’s sobs. Taylor guessed it was from his outburst and their fight. He felt bad for about a second but then threw a pack if cigars at Landon’s chamber bed. After that he returns to stare at the cruddy effects out of his window.)


Taylor: Well, I am gonna cut to the chase, here in space it STINKS, all of my friends and family, well, more like my family, I have no friends, well, THEY ALL ARE DEAD, and I live with an idiot! So if I don’t get out of here soon I think that my head will EXPLODE!



(Then everyone in the crew but Taylor starts cracking up. Taylor shoots a menacing glance back and everyone stops.)



Taylor: Man! A little respect guys?

(Taylor gets up and looks in each cabin of his crew. Everyone seems asleep and ready for the long journey.)

(Taylor looks in Stewart’s chamber bed and some drool slides off his bottom lip. Oh, how he wished she would notice him. Some mornings they would wake up and she would ask who he was.)

(Dodge was fast asleep, and Taylor cared little about him. Just that he did most of the work so Taylor could enjoy secret Cheez-Itz. At that thought he quickly threw his box in his hands and continued looking in the chamber beds.)

(Landon was fast asleep with tear droplets in his eyes. The note he has wrote was taped to his door. Taylor gave out a small burst of laughter but then tucked himself away inside his chamber bed, while thoughts of Stewart danced in his head.)

The next day… (More like a few hundred years later)…

(Taylor awakes to find everything is in order. Landon and Dodge look upset and are hovering over Stewart’s bed. Taylor gets up and takes a peek.)

Taylor: Oh no! Stewart looks like my grandma! How the heck did that happen?

Landon: See Taylor! The world WILL DIE if I don’t get my peanut butter!

Taylor: Shut up!

Dodge: Seriously Landon, nobody cares.

Taylor: Oh no! She… she… she… she looks horrible! Ugly! Ugly with all capital letters! UGLY! I thought she was gonna be pretty forever! Even when she died she was gonna look like some hot model like Linda Harrison or something!

Dodge: Yeah… well that’s nice to say…

(Just then Taylor feels ice cold water run up his legs and into his boots.)

Taylor: Why is the ship sinking?!!!!!!????!!!!

Dodge: It has been sinking for about… 5 minutes.

Taylor: Why didn’t anyone do anything!?

Dodge: We were awaiting your orders.

Landon: So what do we do?

Taylor: I could expect this from Landon, but Dodge! Seriously Dodge; I have given you the Moron Medal of Stupidity.

(Then Taylor gives Dodge the Moron Medal of Stupidity.)

Taylor: Now Landon, signal Earth that we’ve landed!





Landon: How do I do that?





Taylor: Push the big yellow button that says “Signal”.





Landon: Ok!





(Landon homes Earth and Dodge tries to open the hatch. Taylor is just staring a Stewart and saying “Why? Why? WHY!?”)



Dodge: Ok the hatch is open! We can get in!


Taylor: Ok. Now let’s move our butts!

(The men maneuver to the top of the ship where each of them make it into a tiny raft.)

(There was a long silence as the men watched their intergalactic home sink into the depths of the ocean, or whatever this water was made of.)

Landon: Going…going… gone. There goes our experiments, lab tests, Stewart, all of my movies, the T.V., my IPod, my cell phone, the pack of cigars, my rock collection, my shaving kit, my shell collection, the computer… my rock collection… my IPod…. my rock collection…

(Silence)

Landon: Umm…. My rock collection…the T.V... And… umm… my rock collection…

(Dodge and Taylor stare at Landon)

Landon: My rock collection…. Oh! And Stewart! Don’t forget Stewart!

Taylor (in tears): No! I will never forget Stewart! NEVER!

Dodge: Am I the only sane man here? Seriously! You guys are such babies!

(Landon and Taylor stop their whining and begin to act more seriously. LOL, well, not really in this script…)

Dodge: You guys act like my baby daughter!

Landon: You have a kid?

Dodge: No… actually… no wife… no kid. It was all lies…

Landon: So there was never any Cynthia! I knew that type of wife couldn’t be true!

Dodge: I did have a pretend picture of her…

Landon: Let me see!

Dodge: No!

Landon: Yes!

Dodge: No!

(Landon steels the picture from Dodge)

Landon: That’s my wife!

Taylor: Alright you ladies. Where the heck are we?

Landon: What went wrong? We weren’t programmed to land in the water.

(Both men were pondering and Dodge was still staring at the picture with goo-goo eyes)

Landon: Knock it off!

Dodge: She’s dead anyways! They all are!

Taylor: You guys are dumb.

(Landon takes a picture from Taylor)

Landon: Another picture of her! You guys are so bad! So very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very….

Taylor: WE GET IT!

Dodge: She is kinda hot…

Taylor (ignoring that this all ever happened and stuffing the picture of Landon’s hot wife inside his pocket): I checked the clock.

Dodge: What did it say?

Taylor: I read the clocks. They bear out Hasslein's hypothesis. We've been away from Earth for two thousand years, give or take a decade.

(Small silence)

Taylor: Still can't accept it, huh?

Landon: You know it.

Taylor: Because time has wiped out everyone and everything you cared for.

(There was a very long pause and the group, even Taylor, lowered their heads)

Taylor: They're dust.

Landon (in a very shocking outburst): Prove it! If we can’t get back, it’s still just a theory!

Taylor: It’s a fact, Landon. Buy it. You’ll sleep better.

(At this time the crew bored land, and it looked like a desert. It was hot and each man had sweat pouring down their face. Everyone but Landon was looking inside their emergency backpacks. It had food, water, first-aid, a compass, and an extra pair of clothes.)

Taylor: Run a soil test.

Dodge: Yes sir.

Taylor: Why did you say sir like that?

Dodge: Like what?

Taylor: Like that. In a smart-allic tone.

Dodge: Did not!

Taylor: Yes you did. It’s sir not sir!

Dodge: I know. I just said sir. Just sir. Nothing else.

Taylor: Swear?

Dodge: Cross my heart.

Dodge (in a whisper): And hope you die.

Taylor: Did you say something?

Dodge: No.

Dodge (in a whisper): No sir.

Taylor (yelling out to Landon): Landon! Hey Landon!

(Landon looks at Taylor)

Taylor: Join the expedition!

Landon: Sorry. I was just playing with my Barbie. I mean my action figure!

Taylor: Let me see that.

Landon (gripping the doll in his hand): No!

Taylor: Fork it over hotshot!

Landon (backing away): NO!!!!!

Taylor: Give it!

Landon (backing away with the doll gripped tightly in his hands): No!

Taylor: Now!

Landon (who is now running far away in the distance towards Dodge): No!

Taylor (running after him): Give me it now Landon!

(After running for a long time)

Taylor (out of breath): Ok Landon. I give in. You can keep it.

Landon (out of breath): Good!

Dodge: Where did you morons go?!

Taylor: We… umm… were checking the premises. Right Landon?

(Taylor winks at Landon)

Landon: He was chasing me for my Barbie!

Landon (with a big grin): Her name is Glen.

(Dodge stares at them)

Dodge (interrupting the embarrassing discussion): I checked the soil. Nothing can grow here.

Taylor: Well, we have three days of food and water. So, let’s move out.

Dodge: Right.

Landon: Right. Can Glen come along?

Taylor: Yeah, sure, whatever.

To be continued